Saturday, October 14, 2006

Hummer Nation

Or maybe I should say "Hummer State." Florida, to be exact. My state. The southeast corner to be specific. Everyday I see more of them, those huge squared off Tonka toys on steroids, looming in the rearview mirror of my Civic like some toothy, grinning Thomas the Tank Engine gone amok. They come in designer colors now, and (I'm sure) with built-in DVD players and talking GPS units. The only thing I can't figure out is this: why does anyone 1) need and 2) want to drive one?

So, I took the questions to that great ever-expanding Internet antichrist Google, and asked.

Here's some of what I got, mostly as comments to various blog posts:

Um...the new hummers ARE chick cars. All the hummer ads feature women.

You're confused. It's not a chick car. A Hummer is for guys whose "gear" is so diminutive, you need a magnifying glass to tell them from chicks.

The Hummer is for morons.
H1 was designed for all terrain use, retrofitted and polished up but maintained much of its off road capabilities. Fucking uncomfortable, loud and seriously a waste of money if its being used on paved roads. Not even that fun off road, slow and tank like where is the challenge...much more fun can be had in an old pos Toyota/Ford/etc with a roll bar. H2 and H3 - poor off road abilities but made more comfortable and luxurious for soccer moms and kids. Still terrible gas mileage but who cares if you are buying one you are getting ripped off but are too stupid to care.

a hummer is an attempt to make a humvee wimpy enough for soccer moms to use. too bad most people who buy hummers are too inexperienced at driving large vehicles to safely drive them.

Five great reasons to buy a Hummer:

  1. You’ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade).
  2. You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids.
  3. You’re sick of always being the environment’s goddamned bitch.
  4. You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit.
  5. They were all out of penises.
Buy a Hummer - Overcompensation at Its Best

But it was only after visiting
here that I finally truly understood.

But if the Hummer is just too much of a "chick car" for you, South Florida; if it just doesn't make enough of an "I've arrived" statement, we have the solution for you. Soccer moms and Saturday warriors, meet the $200,000 Gurka!

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